Living, learning and dreaming...

Celebrating Grandma and Remembering Gramps...

2009-05-11T20:22:00.001-07:00

A year ago today, I had my last meaningful conversation with my grandfather. He was diagnosed with pancreas cancer in April and died June 26th, 2008. I remember it like it was yesterday, it's crazy how time flies. We knew he didn't have much time left so I took a train and bus up to Huntsville to just be there for my grandmother, incase she needed anything. I arrived at 11pm, 3hrs before we got the call into the hospital, "We don't think he'll make it until morning, you better come in now". My grandmother and I sat there together, holding each other and his hands until he went to be with the Lord, 15 hours later.

Today is my grandmothers birthday, last year on her birthday my mom and I came to visit as well. My grandfather was only able to get out of bed once that whole weekend, when we sang to her with a cake. That afternoon, while my mom and grandma were out, I laid beside my grandfather on his bed and we had a really meaningful conversation, one that I'll never forget and really remembered today, one year later. I actually wrote about it that night. My grandmother later asked me if I would speak at his funeral, it was an honour, and I shared with a church full of people the words he spoke to me in that last conversation.

I just found my first draft of the notes I wrote, in preparation for the funeral, and copied them below. As I celebrated my grandmother today I also remembered my grandfather and his words of wisdom he shared with me, in preparation of his death, exactly one year ago.

3 things Grandpa taught me in his last days:
...On grandma's birthday, I spent the afternoon sitting on Grandpa’s bed with him while mom my and grandma went out. Although he was tiered and probably just wanted to sleep he still managed to speak for a good hour straight. It was in that conversation that I saw a whole other side of my grandfather and he really challenged me to think through a few things in my life. He challenged me to live my life to the fullest, love and know where I truly know where I stand before God. I want to share some of his last thoughts with you.

1. Live life to the fullest: Knowing that grandpa couldn’t do much one of the first things I asked him was if he watched a lot of TV, because I knew that he used to. I wondered how he spent his time. He said, “Daria, knowing that I only have 3 months left I really want to spend my time different”. He said he would rather read or have grandma read him meaningful books or spend quality time with Grandma. I went to bed that night thinking, am I living my life to the fullest? What if I only had 3 months, would I regret anything I’m doing or had wished I had done it different?

2. Love: I asked my grandpa if there was anything he could teach me from his life what would it be, he said LOVE. He told me that being sick has helped him see the importance of love. I think that through his sickness he experienced so much love from friends, his church community and family that he would have never expected. He said that it has also really helped him express love to others in far deeper and more meaningful ways.. 1 Corinthians 13 is a popular passage read at many weddings on what love is, “it’s patient, kind, not self seeking, not easily angered, always hopes, always trusts…etc.” but at the beginning of this chapter are very powerful words that grandpa started to quote to me. Eugene Peterson paraphrases it this way,

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

It was a healing conversation. As most of you know, my grandfather had strong beliefs and convictions and was never afraid to share them. And for me being the sometimes arrogant student of theology for the past 8 years we’ve certainly had our differences and arguments. Grandpa reminded me that if we have not love we are nothing… and where there is truth there is always love.

3. Know where you stand before God: Last but not least, grandpa has such peace before he died. He knew where he stood before God and was thankful for the life he had. He was thankful for all the travelling he did, for the past 22 years he spent in Huntsville and as much as he experienced pain and I’m sure would still love to be alive and with us today he said to me, “Daria, who am I to ask God, the creator of the universe, why I am sick…. I know that he does everything for a reason and I just pray that he would be glorified through my life” He even joked with me about how he bought a brick on the golden streets he will soon be dancing on. He had hope in Christ and for the eternal life that he’s going to live in heaven. Grandpa wasn’t afraid to die because he was ready for eternity. John 3:16. says that “For God so loved the world that he Gave his only son and whoever believes in him will not parish but have eternal life”

To sum things up: don’t waste your time doing meaningless things, make the most out of everything that you do… Love people as though you’re living in your last days, because we never know how long we’ll have. And last but not least, know where you stand before God, because once that is figured out you will have no fear or regret in life.

AND, to all the grandparent out there, never underestimate the influence you have on your grandchildren.

Cuba, Sex and Prayer...

2009-04-26T20:07:00.001-07:00

I just got home from an amazing week in Havana, Cuba. Cindy, one of my best friends, got married this past Wednesday to Joel, a cuban man. I met Cindy a little over a year ago at my church, she was a new Christian, totally excited about God and so hungry to grow in her faith... it was an instant connection when we met, her new found really authentic faith inspired me a lot.

With her desire to learn more about prayer, I gave her Red Moon Rising for her 30th birthday... she loved it and loved the idea of 24-7 Prayer. Cindy and I have spent A LOT of time together this past year and I'm soooo thankful that God placed her in my life- she has taught me heaps and has been an amazing friend. This past November, while organizing my first ever fundraiser, with a lot of her help, she told me that she felt her role right now was just to be my encourager (which she totally had been).... what a blessing. I said, “so you're kindof like my Barnabas” (who was the apostle Paul's encourager)... she wasn't sure who he was so she looked him up. As I've been travelling she's been writing me encouraging letters and signs off, “Love, Barny”. Cindy is amazing.

So all that to say, financially, it probably wasn't the wisest decision for me to go to Cuba to be part of her wedding, but what's $850 when someone so dear to me is getting married- it was worth every penny to be there on her special day.
Cindy knew that the small group of us attending her wedding didn't have a lot of money to spend so she searched around and recommended an affordable 3 star all inclusive. A 5 star in Cuba is a 3 star in Canada, so you could imagine... My friend Jenn came with me and we agreed that the only important thing is that there's a nice beach and NO bugs, like cockroaches, in our room... that would be the only thing we couldn't handle... We had a bug free week and amazing few days relaxing on the beach.

I was caught by surprise by a couple other things happening at the hotel though. We quickly discovered that this hotel was a hook up place for homosexuals and prostitution. Observing some of the men, it was obvious that they had never met before, probably met online, and had this random sexual incounter week. And the prostituion- wow... this was the part that enraged me. I almost did something stupid a few times... and if I wasn't in Cuba I'm pretty sure I would have been beaten up by a pimp... I guess I'm learning.

There was a 'chika' hanging around the hotel all week with this really awkward man. Jenn and I were friendly with her, I felt bad for the guy, he was pretty strange... The second to last night we were there two more older men joined him, one was wearing a wedding ring, all three of them brough prostitutes into the hotel that night. One of the animators at the hotel was the pimp and arranged it all, the last night we even watched him sneak the prostitutes in since there was a big 'higher end' group in that night... we saw it all and it made me sick. At dinner they sat at the table next to us and I can't even explain the anger that took over my body- serioiusly, I wanted to punch them, thought about dumping my water on them, throwing food in their face... I had wished they spoke english so I could tell them off. I was angry, to say the least... These girls were like 22 and they were like 65 and married! Then I felt bad being so angry telling myself that I need to chill out- someone at my table reminded me that “we should love them because Jesus does”, that was the last thing I wanted to hear but they were right... but I still had absolutely no love and felt even more guilty for being angry... In my attempt to cool down I went to get some dessert, which often helps! As I stood up to walk to the dessert table, I gave them all really dirty looks, which they didn't even notice because they were too busy undressing me with their eyes to even see my face- this obviously enraged me even more... really, I wanted to scream.

Then God in his mercy spoke to me at the dessert table, “Daria, it's ok to have 'rightious anger', that's my heart for justice that I've given you, but act wisely and in love”... Ha, oh yeah, God gets angry too when injustice is happening- I think He actually hates it more than I do - and his blood would probably boil like mine- So what do I do now?? If I was in Canada I may have just walked over and turned their table (since Jesus did that!) instead of punching and trying to hurt them, but I didn't want to risk not making it back home... Sortof just kidding there... but in times like this is when I think we need to pray most. God has called us all to act justly and has put different things on our hearts to pray for and change and he just reminded me these past few days of one of the places he has called me to act justly and make a difference. He is teaching me though that I can't act in my own anger which is why I need to pray loads through this and he'll show me how I can make the biggest difference.

I've had a heart for the sex industry for years but have felt the need to wait before making a big move. This all just happened a few days ago, which for me was God telling me that I need to be praying more as he's opening my eyes to more. This morning at church my friend Sue gave me an article that was published on Friday in the Montreal Gazette about the sex inudstry. Its mind boggling for me to read some of this stuff: 70% of men in Japan and 39% of men in Spain say that they have paid for sex... and the stories... wow! God, what do I/we do to change this sick, abusive and fast growing industry?!? That's my prayer tonight....

Article link: http://www.montrealgazette.com/news/dangerous+trade+women+children/1528341/story.html

NICE vs. KIND: Some more of my crazy rambling...

2009-04-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote most of this blog late last year as I was wresting to better understand someone and a situation I found myself trying to deal with. I wanted to post it right away but knew that my heart probably wouldn't have been right in that moment, and it wasn't... It's been months of getting over anger, frustration and learning to forgive. I can honestly say that I'm totally free of that past, have learned a ton and have no more hard feelings. Forgiveness is awesome and total freedom (that's probably why God tell us we need to forgive!)... even if the other person isn't even sorry.

One of the eye opening discoveries of my year was that my mom didn’t raise me to be a ‘nice girl’, she raised me to be honest and truthful. In my family we often just say it like it is, we fight, we love, we've hurt each other in the process, but we've never really held anything back in our house and we're still pretty close...

I also wear my heart on my sleeve, which could be dangerous at times. It’s as though I just have no fear sometimes and end up hurt or failing or achieving greatness… being radical is a love-hate thing, I guess. Without getting into great detail, a while ago I shared a vulnerable and honest thought with someone who wasn’t thinking the same thing as me. Let’s just say they disagreed with what I was thinking. Instead of telling me that, perhaps in fear of hurting me, they just didn’t respond. Didn’t say a thing!! Being who I am, a BIG talker, this royally confused and frustrated me because it just didn’t make sense to me, why they wouldn’t say anything, until my best friend said in their defence, “well, they’ve done everything possible to be nice and polite about the situation”. And that was the light bulb moment for me. I DON’T WANT NICE AND POLITE, I WANT KIND AND HONEST. I REALLLLY don’t understand nor relate to nice, polite people, I soo appreciate when people could just say it like it is, even if it hurts or offends in the moment. Sure it might trigger some pain for a while, but I've always gotten over it and moved forward- most people do!

If you’re a close friend of mine and you’ve ever done something ‘stupid’ and told me, you know that you’ll always get an honest answer from me. People often still confide in me though and ask my advice. If you tell me you had a one night stand with a guy that you’re now crazy about, I’ll tell you that your probability of it ever working isn’t great and it probably wasn’t the wisest way to captivate his heart. It will hurt, you might be upset with me but then I’ll always be there for you… I wouldn’t know what else to say as a friend. I couldn’t lie and be happy for you, ‘because that would be the nice thing to do’. But do you know that people actually do that? They don't speak the truth or lie in the name of being 'nice'. I think I’ve realized that no one ever taught me how to be ‘nice’. I love learning new things about myself!

So here is what I’ve realized, there is a huge difference between being NICE and being KIND. When I started to think about this I began some research. I started with definitions and synonyms, which is pretty interesting (you could look those up if you wish). And then I started reading what others have written about it and finally, I questioned what all this means for my faith in God and what He would have to say about it – it’s been an awesome little research project for me.

This is what some people have said about it:

-I thought about this all night and came to this conclusion. Nice is something that can be taught and learned. It is, in its essence, superficial and based on transitiory actions. Kind is far more internal in nature and speaks to a persons ability for empathy and genuine desire to be merciful and helpful. A person can be nice without any genuine desire to help or heal.

-Let me answer first with an explanation of the difference between nice and kind. Nice is about what the other person is thinking and feeling - it’s their perception of the situation. Kind is about what you choose to do and why. When you want to be nice, it’s because you want to please the other person; you want everyone to be happy. When you want to be kind, it’s because you want to do what is right regardless of how other people feel about it. Nice is permissive. Kind is genuine and honest.

For example, if I want to be nice to my children, I will give them what they want, not do what is needed, seek to please them, and hope they like me. If I want to be kind to my children, I will give them blessings, do what they need, seek to teach them and hope they learn. Nice manipulates. Kindness trains.

Another example, if I want to be nice to my husband, I will give him what he wants even when it hurts and not let him know, I will bottle all my negative feelings up inside and not communicate with my heart, I will be overly submissive and nice with hopes that he will change… then when I explode and leave him for someone who makes me feel better about myself I wouldn’t tell him the truth about my life in fear to hurt him again. If I want to be kind to my husband, I will communicate and work with him even when we both fail, be honest and truthful about my heart, always look out for his best interests even when it may initially hurt him. Nice lies. Kindness loves unconditionally.

I recently heard on the John Tesh Radio show (he often has some great advice) a few new psychological tips for raising your children. One of them was to always affirm their character not their accomplishments. Character is sooo important. I think that kindness is character. This is what another woman had to say about it:

A few weeks ago on Focus on the Family, a guy was talking about how we should stop trying to raise “nice” kids & work toward kids who are caring & compassionate… One point the author being interviewed brought out was that so often Christian parents are training their children to be nice - look good, don’t rock the boat, be “nice” & make me look good! He pointed out that the word nice has, if you look in the dictionary, “ignorant, to not know” at it’s root. I didn’t believe him, but he’s right! Nice, at least in my dictionary, doesn’t have a positive trait in it’s definition until the sixth entry! And then it seems to have connotations of appearance - “wanton, coy, finicky tastes, particular, demanding excessive precision, trivial,…” I was shocked.

Today, the kids & I had a devotional on kindness & random acts of kindness. Words do mean something, so I wondered the differences between the two. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit; nice is not. So what are some other differences? I think one thing is that nice is what you do, verses kind is how you are. CHARACTER!

This also leads to another podcast I heard way back in June again on Focus on the Family about “nice guys”. It was talking about the problem women have with their passive men, “nice guys”. They fall in love with them because they are “nice”, but then get all disgusted with the same man when they live with them a few years. Aren’t we training our men to be wimps? Why do the same women who can’t stand their men to be so wimpy bring up their boys to be that way? Rush calls it the “chickification of our society” & points out many other problems this is causing with our boys. Kindness, on the other hand, is very masculine; think chivalry.

Is the goal for members of our family to be nice or kind? Something to think about. “Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

Still with me? Hope so!

This naturally leads into what I believe God has to say about this whole Nice vs. Kind thing. For one, being ‘nice’ isn’t really talked about in the bible, nor is it a, what Paul calls, ‘fruit of the spirit’ (Paul writes to the church in Galatia about what naturally happens when we’re following the spirit of God, not the law, as the Jews were a custom to:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)
Notice that these ‘fruit’ are all traits of our character and things that develop and grow in us. I love how Eugene Peterson words it in the Message (Galatians 5:19-23):

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified. 

Someone else wrote:
Another word for kind according to the dictionary is “loving”. (Remember that God is love - 1 John 4:7,8. Love is the essence of Who He is - we only know what love is by looking at His character.) Nice seems to be more of an outward appearance, often times with a “fake” air about it. Kindness is an inner quality that often times gets no notice.

As I’ve said, nice doesn’t come naturally for me, I think honesty and defence does which has not always been a good thing. Almost 10 years ago I began this journey of follow God which has totally transformed my life. Following God has certainly softened my heart and changed my character from the inside out. Although I still don’t have it all figured out and I still mess up and am not always kind, wise and gentle in my honesty and raw emotion I definitely see a change in my life and am so thankful for this season of refection on what it means to be kind to others. It has also helped me understand people better, I never realized that some people were just raised to be really nice, I guess it’s not their fault they annoy me so much – haha! Just kidding. But seriously, understanding that many people, especially in the church (unfortunately), were conditioned to be nice has certainly given me a deeper understanding of people, myself and how I can better relate in my relationships.

Another blog...

2009-04-09T16:04:00.001-07:00

Hey guys,
I haven't been writing much here because I've been posting tons on my new, other blog.. check it out:
http://thestoryofprayer.blogspot.com

I do have a blog on the way though...

February: The Beginning of a Journey that Started a Looong Time Ago...

2009-03-01T22:05:00.000-08:00

What a month! I’m trying to get better at writing and working out while I’m travelling but this month I failed miserably. I drove back to Montreal a couple nights ago after an adventurous, stretching and awesome month away, now 6.5lbs heavier and with a lot of updating and processing to do!

I started my month in Florida, on my way to Kansas City, to reconnect with my childhood best friend I had barely seen in 9 years. I had a great time staying with the Aube’s, my friend Luc’s parents; they are a refreshing reminder of generous kindness, love and true hospitality.

Kansas City was amazing. My purpose was to connect with the 24-7 USA base team and Campus America staff, who mostly all live in KC. Because we share a boarder with the US, Campus America is also having a large influence up here on our Canadian campuses. It helped to learn more, first hand, about how they’re managing and resourcing this movement. If you haven’t already heard of Campus America you need to check this out: www.campusamerica.org. It’s an amazing initiative of 24-7 Prayer and is inspiring campuses to pray like never before. I stayed with Wendy Andrews,... ... who has been involved with 24-7 for years, in her new house with 4 other girls – great community experience. She gave me a tour of the Kansas City Boiler Room, 24-7 offices and prayer room and we went to IHOP (international house of prayer). We also had great conversations about life, personal struggles, faith, Jesus, relationships, leadership, hope and of course changing the world!!

I flew back to Toronto just in time for the Toronto Auto show, the second biggest auto show in North America, quite the exhibit! For Eight days I stood in front of the SL 65 AMG Black Series, met some really interesting people, had fun and learned a great deal through the life experiences of a few of my wonderful new model/actor friends. AND this opportunity gave me the financial ability to keep doing what I love a little longer without having to worry too much about finances. These short contract opportunities have been great.

I left the auto show a couple days before it ended to head to Niagara on the Lake for our 24-7 national team and board meeting- What a weekend!!! In all the years I’ve been involved in 24-7 Prayer, I think this was my favorite meeting ever. Our team is amazing, gifted, growing and totally hand picked by God. All weekend I just felt so thankful for these people and for what God is doing across our nation. We had all 5 board members present as well as a regional team leader from every province, except Manitoba and the Maritimes. We had a great time together talking through ideas, praying, strategizing, laughing and of course eating a little too much!

This past ILG (International Leaders Gathering) in England, I left wondering what God had for us in Canada. The amazing and encouraging thing about the ILG is that you hear all kinds of amazing stories of what’s going on in nations around the world. The natural tendency is to want to copy what others are doing, a lot of great leaders actually even do that, but what I sensed was a need for Canada to start asking God what HE has for us in this nation. What keeps coming up for many of us is CITIES… it’s becoming more and more clear to us that our vision in Canada is to help our cities unite and pray… And pray A LOT! We’re exploring the many facets of this, but truly feel that it is where we need to begin.

A little over a year ago, statistics were released saying that now at least 50% of our world’s population lives in a city. In the early 1900’s it was only 8%. I’ve been doing a little research on the urbanization of Canada today and discovered that as of 2006 over 80% of Canada’s population actually lives in a city- wow! Now wonder why God is giving us a heart for cities, it seems to be where most people live in Canada.

These next few months I’ll be travelling to different cities across Canada to connect with what’s going on across our nation (stay tuned for my blog!). The past few years there has been a lot going on that we’re just starting to hearing about. I spoke at Brock University last week; they’re starting there annual week of 24-7 Prayer on Monday, it’s the fourth year they’ve done this and we just randomly heard about it a couple weeks ago. We hope to connect with these developing movements, encourage, resource and ‘fan into flame’ these hearts for prayer, mission and justice. (If there is someone in Canada you feel I should be connecting with please let me know)

I’m supppper stoked about what God is doing in Canada. God has been showing me his heart for people and has been giving me dreams and visions about what HE is birthing in our nation. It’s amazing and I truly feel blessed to be moving with him on this journey. Everyday feels like a new adventure with him, especially when I open my inbox and hear stories from across our nation!

I’ll be in touch soon as I’ll be working at writing more and losing these 6.5lbs- Feel free to keep me accountable!

Mercedes-Benz

2009-01-26T22:08:00.000-08:00

I just finished an awesome 11 days working for Mercedes Benz at the Montreal Auto Show. Montana's, the restaurant I was working at, closed a few weeks ago and I remembered that the auto show was coming up so I contacted a wonderful woman I met last year who hires all the model/actor girls to do marketing for car companies. I actually got a job!! The 5 other girls I worked with were great and I learned a ton about cars... The first few days I wanted the SMART car, now I want a B200... but I'm quite happy with my awesome, almost10 year old Honda Civic!

The plan is to do the Toronto Auto show in a few weeks which is wayyy bigger than Montreal. I would actually love to travel across the country doing these shows and meeting 24-7 communities along the way - what a great way to travel!! God truly has an awesome way of providing and bringing great people along our path.

I Have a Dream...

2009-01-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

A little over 45 years ago, Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke what’s known to be one of the greatest speeches in history, titled, ‘I Have a Dream’. In a nutshell, his desire was for a future where blacks and whites, among others, would coexist harmoniously as equals.

I love to dream. Even more, I love to see dreams come true.

This week was a reminder for me that dreams do come true. I’m sure Martin Luther King Jr. never would have imagined a black present 45 years ago! This week also reminded me that we need to dream and hope in the change we want to see in the world and that we, unfortunately, may not ever see the full fruit of our labor. Too bad Luther couldn’t be at Obama’s inauguration!

What’s your dream?

Lets keep dreaming!!

The Ones I Love...

2009-01-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas holidays because you get to see and spend time with some of the people you love the most in life but don't always get to see. (Other than my sister this year, which sucked!)

Just to name a few:

-My cousin Erin and Auntie D, Erin regularly lives in Tremblant but we spent Christmas eve all together.

-Angie, Anne and Emily, my three best friends from highschool. We saw eachother loads and had some reallllly funny times!

-My older brother Olaf who's working on an MBA in Calgary and is home for a month.

-My very cute granny who came to Montreal for 3 weeks over Christmas.

-Bernie, my first boyfriend in the summer going to gr. 7, my highschool crush and now a great friend who just finished his 'Global' MBA and all kinds of great travelling. We spent a day together in Ottawa - sooo good to see him.

-Kayla, one of my best friends from college came to spend 4 days with me in Montreal over New Years. Very refreshing.

So I've concluded that my favorite thing about Christmas holidays is seeing the ones I love the most. I really love you guys.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

I just took my first hour, probably in this whole Christmas season, to just rest a little and actually reflect on Christmas… oh Christmas… such a strange time of year. The festivities, all the food and wine, shopping, getting all dressed up, exchanging gifts, getting text messages from people you haven’t spoken to in a year. The joy and the pain… the happiness and loneliness… It’s weird.
I generally really like Christmas but the reality of it is that it’s a really hard time of year for most people (or maybe this year seems a little worse than most). At my aunts last night I spent some time with my cousins friend who recently separated from her husband, it’s her first time in 11 years not cooking Christmas dinner for the entire family- that’s hard. I had a good cry with my grandma this morning as it’s her first Christmas without my grandpa – ouch. It seems like the reality of our pain, loneliness or dysfunctional families really comes to light at Christmas.

I was just reminded in this hour that we celebrate Christmas today to rejoice in the fact that Jesus came to earth to give us abundant life… but for some people, today is one of the hardest days to remember that… interesting how that happens.

Unrelated to Christmas, I’ve been thinking about this passage all week. It’s Moses talking to God the way I think we often do and God reminded Moses that He has a plan and is on this journey with him… I think we could relate it to Christmas:

Moses said to God, "Look, you tell me, 'Lead this people,' but you don't let me know whom you're going to send with me. You tell me, 'I know you well and you are special to me.' If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans. That way, I will continue being special to you. Don't forget, this is your people, your responsibility." God said, "My presence will go with you. I'll see the journey to the end." (Ex 33:12-14)

So today, may you be reminded and blessed by the fact that God sent his son to join us on our journey. Even if this is a really crappy Christmas for you, God has a plan for your life. From what I’ve experienced, the more I’ve trusted him the more this has been the reality of my journey. I pray that you are truly blessed by Jesus as you remember Him today and commit to trusting Him on this journey.

How Things Change

2008-12-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking of blog’s I want to write and just don’t do it… Maybe I’ll just write them all over Christmas with a little less of the ‘moment of inspiration’.

I’ve been thinking the past week or so about how things change. Last week I drove a good 17hrs to Huntsville and back, through the snow, to pick my grandma up. My grandpa died a little less than 6 months ago so this is my grandma’s first Christmas without him, it has been pretty difficult for her. I was thinking the night before I left about how less than 10 years ago my grandparents were driving to Montreal to pick me up and take me to camp or to my first year of college in Ontario… My grandparents were incredibly influential in my life and did a great job of taking good care of me while I was growing up. Now I’m going to pick my grandma up who doesn't drive alone in the snow anymore. Now, I’m taking care of her! How things change… I guess that’s the reality of growing up!

Seasons of Life....

2008-11-20T14:50:00.000-08:00

I just sat on my bed and read the entire book of Ecclesiastes- what wisdom and perspective! I often read this book when I need a little more of that in my life…

About three and half years ago life was feeling pretty difficult so I started painting as therapy. It was new and fun… it helped. It has probably been almost two years since I last painted.. My last project was a series of the seasons as a reflection of Ecclesiastes 3:1-13. As I painted it I was reminded that life is all about going through seasons, ups and downs. It would be weird if it was always spring or fall and it would suck if winter lasted a whole year. And as much as I love summer, I probably appreciate it so much because winters in Montreal are sooo crappy (I need to start skiing again!). This is what Ecclesiastes says :

1 There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

9-13 But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.

Bottom line is that there is a time and season for everything and life won’t always be happy, mountain top experiences and it also wont always be difficult. A friend of mine who’s going through one of the most difficult seasons of his life wrote this in an email to me last week, “on the Mountain Tops we don't experience growth... in fact so true... most real mountains don't have much vegetation on them at the top..... but in the valleys where all the nutrients and water lies, is where the rich growth takes place..... so we don 't want to be in the valley... we want to be singing and laughing on the mountain tops BUT we don't grow unless we hit a valley........” That is wisdom from experience!

A couple weeks ago I went to my basement closet to retrieve the three ‘season’ paintings I did a couple years ago: winter, fall and spring (in that order). I didn’t feel ready to paint summer at the time and figured I would do it ‘when the time/season is right’… So, although I’m going to put my winter tires on my car tomorrow morning, this weekend I’m going to buy my canvas to paint summer- Life isn't 'perfect', but it’s time and a new season of life for me…

Adapting to my DREAMS

2008-11-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went on a long run and thought about my dreams. I often listen to Erwin McManus when I run and dream because he makes me feel like having dreams and following them is ok… or is actually what God calls us to…

Erwin just published a book called Wide Awake so he’s now speaking on each chapter. Yesterday’s podcast was on adapting, which is key to knowing how to live our lives to the fullest, be changed and bring about positive change in our world.

On April 1st, 2008 I turned 25 and I cried. Perhaps it was what some call the beginning of my quarter life crises. I was living alone and working a pretty good sales job, designing custom cabinetry. I guess I’ve always thought that if I wasn’t married and pregnant at 25 I would be living a little more like Mother Teresa. There were so many other things I wanted to do with my life, it bothered me that I was just doing what was comfortable and easy. I had just finished paying off my car and my mom and step-dad were happy to welcome me home, so that month I quit my job and moved home to pursue my dreams. Wow, it was HARD!! I didn’t know where to start so I just did. I had all kinds of ideas, failed at most of them but at least I was trying and working to figure it out. Most morning I woke up wondering, “What should I do today?”… Really, how do you just follow your dreams? What does that even look like?

My mom gave me until the end of October to either move all my furniture and stuff in to the house from the garage or move out again. A few days ago I moved everything in again, a humbling experience since I moved out when I was 17! But its right, it’s awesome, really! As crappy as this all sounds, I have recently just started to see the fruit of my willingness to adapt and change. I AM FOLLOWING MY DREAMS and love it!! I can honestly say that most days are still pretty hard, I’m learning a whole new way of life, but I feel like I’m actually living ‘wide awake’ and starting to understand my full potential, passions and what God created me to do in the world…

Below are some of the notes I later took from Erwin’s podcast (www.mosaic.org/podcast):

If you’re not willing to change yourself, you cannot bring change.

If you’re going to pursue a dream bigger than you, that dream will change your life and will change you.

Your real measure of character is your ability to adapt without losing your core.
Daniel went from a free man to a slave and had to relearn everything… he adapted
Joseph was sold by his brothers and needed to adapt, but never lost his core.
Esther was a prostitute living in terrible circumstances but she adapted to her environment, learned not only how to survive but how to thrive, and she rose to the top.
Moses adapted to many places and circumstances.
Abraham and Sarah were called to leave everything they knew to go to a land, people and world they couldn’t even imagine.

The language of the Bible is all about being willing to change.

The world doesn’t come at us the way we expect, things change, stability doesn’t always last, crappy things happens, the world flips upsides down… but if we don’t learn how to adapt and adjust we’ll feel like all our dreams could be lost in an instance. We NEED a solid core/foundation.

Do we embrace rigidity instead of adaptability- adaptability releases our abilities.

Flexibility (adaptability) is connected to the strength of our core. If you want to become more agile you need to become stronger. (Anyone who works out knows how true this is. I have an unusually long and weak core which has made training my whole body hard, to the point that I even got a hernia from lifting and working out. When my core is strong it’s wayyy easier to strength train and gain flexibility. I constantly need to be working at my core- physically and spiritually!!)

The strength of character actually gives us the capacity to adjust. When our core is weak everything becomes rigid and inflexible, which of course is why God wants to dig deep into our center to deal with our core, strengthen who we are… so we can face every challenge, every crises, every moment and know that you can see it through, with strength and flexibility. (not rigidity!)

We have to be willing to fail in the new, if we’re going to start to pursue new dreams.
How many of us make the choice to live the lesser life because it costs us less? There is a dream worth pursuing that could (and probably will) cost us everything… And it will fulfill you more than anything you could hold because this dream will actually holds you.

I’m learning that I’m not willing to live the lesser life because it’s easier. I would rather follow my dreams, even if it costs me everything.

The beautiful thing about Jesus is that when you open up your life to him he changes your heart (changes a heart of stone to a heart of flesh) and your dreams… He takes us up out of the fear of rigidity and complacency and living a life of comfort, safety, predictability, routine into a far better life.

Living in a world that I can’t control, I think, will awaken me to my dreams.

Mia Turns 4!!!

2008-11-02T20:02:00.001-08:00

Today is Mia's 4th Birthday!! (Mia is Jess (my best friend) and Sean's daughter)

I still remember holding her when she was a little, baby new born- Time just flys!! She came to visit me at my apartment in Toronto 3.5 years ago, came all the way to Cambridge to watch me graduate from university (not that she remembers!)... I've loved having the opportunity of watching her grow up and be a part of her life. She's such a little bundle of joy and a girly princess!!

Yesterday we had a very fun party with a bunch of her little friends during the day and then a 'parenting' party at night. Jess and Sean are wonderful parents. Cheers to another great year!!

The Secret Life of Bees

2008-11-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

I saw the Secret Life of Bees last week with Rosanna and Lisa and cried a good 10 times. Some movies just do that to me, it's weird. There were many great parts in the movie, but the sister, May, challenged me to think a little deeper the most. If you haven't seen the movie or read the book and plan to, you probably wont want to read further, this might just ruin it for you...

In the movie/book the sister May has a twin sister, June, who we never meet because she died. What you immediately see about May's character is how effected she still is by the death of her sister. Because she had experienced such pain in her life she is soooo sensitive to everyone elses pain- to the point that the family comes together to build a 'wailing wall' for her, like in Israel, where she could go and mourn/pray when she's overcome by pain. There are many times in the movie where she hears about or remembers something sad, starts to cry and excuses herself to 'the wall'. Now she was like REALLLLY sensitive to pain, but what if we were a little more like May?

All that to say, I think in life we handle pain one of two ways: we either harder ourselves to cope or allow it to change us and make us far more compassionate toward others. I think we're growing up in a culture that is teaching us to harden ourselves, fight for our rights, 'be strong', independent, and we're more often turning to some really crappy coping mechanisms to deal with pain: drugs, meaningless sex, alcohol abuse, porn...

Toward the end of the movie something pretty tragic happens. May couldn't handle the pain of the tragedy so she killed herself. It was a pretty sad moment in the movie but powerful and challenged me. Obviously we shouldn't all kill ourselves thinking about all the pain in the world, like May did, but what if we just died to ourselves, our own selfish ambition, just a little to make someone else's life a lot better. What if you could use the pain you've experienced and the empathy and compassion you've developed to change someone else's life? Through this movie and May's life I was reminded of the way I want to live. I NEVER want to harden myself to the point that I don't feel the pain of others with them...

Deeper Spirituality: The One Hour Challenge

2008-10-22T13:35:00.001-07:00

I just created this facebook group, so I thought I would add it to my blog too!

Deeper Spirituality:

The One Hour Challenge

For the past little while I’ve been feeling this tug toward a deeper spirituality. I was driving home from Toronto on Thanksgiving weekend and had an idea… I had just had a great conversation with a friend about this ‘season of prayer’ we find ourselves moving into and then promised each other we would continue to earnestly pray. I thought driving home, “how could I discipline myself to actually really pray, a lot?”

Then I had this idea, ‘The One Hour Challenge’, to pray for at least an hour a day. It has been great and now I want to share the challenge with you.

BUT FIRST, LET ME LIBERATE YOU-

I think we’ve (our Christian culture) turned prayer into something pretty boring and hard to do. The challenge is NOT to sit on your couch or your knee’s for an hour everyday trying to focus long and hard enough to have some kind of conversation with God, unless that is how you most experience God of course…

Find the places in your life where you most experience God and just go there, purposefully. I think that’s where we best honor/worship God. I know God wants to be part of every area of my life, but for me, I most experience and can best worship God when I run, write, hang out in nature (by a lake), paint, serve the poor, go on long drives (in no traffic) and in those last 10 minutes of body flow (like yoga) class when the teacher tells us to relax and be still. Where do you most find God in your life?

So I invite you to join me in this and share your stories with this group!!

For more on ‘Creative Prayer’, watch the video I have posted on my facebook page…

Daria

Prayer is not eloquence, but earnestness; not the definition of helplessness, but the feeling of it; not figures of speech, but earnestness of soul. ~ Hannah More

In worship, God imparts himself to us. ~ C.S.Lewis

The prayer power has never been tried to its full capacity...if we want to see might wonders of divine power and grace wrought in the place of weakness, failure and disappointment, let us answer God's standing challenge, "Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and might things which thou knowest not. ~ J. Hudson Taylor

CANCER-FREE!!!

2008-10-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling such relief!! I’m starting Monday morning off on a great note. I just left the plastic surgeons office and found out that I’m cancer free!! I can also workout and shower again!! Yeahh!!

To put this into context for you, incase you have no idea what I’m talking about, in mid-September a pathologist report of a mole I had removed came back saying it ‘could’ be early-melanoma. I really didn’t phase me when I found out, I text messaged my mom, sister and best friend to tell them the news and just carried on with my day. I think they were more surprised than me. I then called a friend back and told him like it was nothing, like I had the flu or something. That night I went home and started to research melanoma and that was when I realized that this could have been a bigger deal… Apparently I’m really not that invincible.

Melanoma is the most serious and dangerous form of skin cancer. There are around 160,000 new cases of melanoma a year and around 48,000 of those people die from it. The good thing is that early-melanoma is very treatable, but if you catch it late it could very easily kill you. Thank God we caught it when we did! I read about what it could have been had I waited- wow- scary!

This whole experience has shown me that we’re not invincible. I always think that, ‘it won’t happen to me’, and I find that to be a pretty common thought of our culture. The crazy thing though is that it does happen to us, cancer could happen to anyone and we’ve all been affected by it in some way or another.

The past 6 weeks have been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for me. Some days I’ve been scared, I’ve felt humbled, had peace… and then I’ve wondered, “is this peace or do I just think I’m invincible, should I be worried?” Two weeks ago I had a larger chunk of my skin removed and to be honest, most days I’ve felt more annoyed and inconvenienced than I’ve felt thankful for catching this as early as we did. I had to wrap myself up in a garbage bag just to shower cause I couldn’t get the stitches wet, I couldn’t workout, I could barely even bend over- Just getting in and out of my car was hard. And then I think what if they didn’t get it all?? Bigger surgery!! God, please make this it!!! I’m soooo thankful that the doctor told me this morning that this is it, I’m done! I'm free of cancer!!! I’ll be huffing and puffing at the gym again tomorrow!!

Ohh, and don’t forget, WEAR SUNSCREAN!!! :)

Marriage...

2008-10-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Jess and Stephan got married and it was a lovely day indeed. Everything was so well organized, creatively done and simply beautiful. Jess, was one stunning bride! I love weddings; there is something so beautiful about love and committing your life to someone before God and a ton of people. It’s sacred and amazing; I never fail to cry when I see such love at a wedding.
As I was watching Jess and Stephan so in love with each other, something different hit me yesterday. The past little while I’ve been hearing more and more stories of divorce and rocky, bad relationships, which I guess has made me re-think the meaning of love and what it will be like for me one day. To think, at one point these people were in love, like Jess and Stephan, and some even committed themselves in marriage before God and their family and friends and now, someone in the relationship, has given up on that

love. Not fair and sooo sad!!! I can’t even imagine the pain- I don’t want to. At least 50% of marriages end in divorce, even in the ‘religious’ circles, and especially in Quebec people often don’t even get married anymore… It’s not worth the risk and complications.
I wonder how and if things can change in our culture.
I pray that Jess and Stephan are that change. I think they can be.
I hope I will be one day too.

Remembering the Past- Cambridge

2008-10-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

I arrived in Cambridge yesterday for an Ontario 24-7 gathering and oh, the memories! The 7hr drive was long but nice; I just hate the Toronto traffic- I am glad I don’t have to deal with that everyday! I had my trusty travel companions to keep me awake on the car ride: Old school Mariah, Jason Upton, Erwin McManus and Leona Lewis. I moved to Cambridge about 4 years ago for the last semester of my undergrad. I worked at Montana’s, worked out and swam at the YMCA, and did an internship at one of the churches. I drove around Cambridge to kill some time before the conference and remembered those days and places.

The craziest thing was going to visit Heritage (my old school) today. It’s unbelievable how going back to an old place can bring back such memories. I’ve never really experienced anything like that until today. Looking back I could honestly say that was one of the hardest years of my life. I moved there with a completely shattered heart, fresh out of a 2 year relationship with the man I thought I would marry. I lived in a basement apartment with 2 girls who were planning their weddings for the month after graduation and I had the only room with no window. I was taking 6 classes, doing 20 internship hours a week and waitressed 4-5 days a week. Those were some dark, dark nights and I was doing everything I could to not think about how crappy life was.

As I look back (they do say hindsight is 20/20), I’m pretty thankful for that year. I think of how far I’ve come since those days and feel so thankful for the way I’ve grown into who I am today. I truly do believe that God could take our brokenness or shattered dreams and make something beautiful out of it… I was reminded of how true that is today. I think our dreams often get shattered because there is something better out there for us that we probably can’t even fathom yet. There is so much we have to learn through those hard experiences, constant tears and sleepless nights- no matter what the situation is. Four years later I’m thanking God for shattering my dreams to give me the life I have today.

This was some truth that got me through:
"I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work."
God's Decree.
"For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think. Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don't go back until they've watered the earth, Doing their work of making things grow and blossom, producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry, So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed. They'll do the work I sent them to do, they'll complete the assignment I gave them.
Isaiah 55:8-11

2008-10-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

Finally! After years of thinking about it, I have now entered the wonderful world of blogging!!

I love to journal and do it often but no one ever sees my crazy thoughts (I hope!). This blog will be like my journal but for you to read.... all about how I'm living, learning and dreaming... so stay tuned. I will also probably write about the things that impassion me. Last year I wrote an article on the sex industry and people encouraged me to write more, so I'll try.

Small disclaimer before I begin- I cheated my way through high school and I think I only read my first book in college. I often get my work edited because although my thoughts might be good, I don't have a way with words like all those smart people do... so this is me, raw and unedited.

Enjoy!