NICE vs. KIND: Some more of my crazy rambling...

I actually wrote most of this blog late last year as I was wresting to better understand someone and a situation I found myself trying to deal with. I wanted to post it right away but knew that my heart probably wouldn't have been right in that moment, and it wasn't... It's been months of getting over anger, frustration and learning to forgive. I can honestly say that I'm totally free of that past, have learned a ton and have no more hard feelings. Forgiveness is awesome and total freedom (that's probably why God tell us we need to forgive!)... even if the other person isn't even sorry.

One of the eye opening discoveries of my year was that my mom didn’t raise me to be a ‘nice girl’, she raised me to be honest and truthful. In my family we often just say it like it is, we fight, we love, we've hurt each other in the process, but we've never really held anything back in our house and we're still pretty close...

I also wear my heart on my sleeve, which could be dangerous at times. It’s as though I just have no fear sometimes and end up hurt or failing or achieving greatness… being radical is a love-hate thing, I guess. Without getting into great detail, a while ago I shared a vulnerable and honest thought with someone who wasn’t thinking the same thing as me. Let’s just say they disagreed with what I was thinking. Instead of telling me that, perhaps in fear of hurting me, they just didn’t respond. Didn’t say a thing!! Being who I am, a BIG talker, this royally confused and frustrated me because it just didn’t make sense to me, why they wouldn’t say anything, until my best friend said in their defence, “well, they’ve done everything possible to be nice and polite about the situation”. And that was the light bulb moment for me. I DON’T WANT NICE AND POLITE, I WANT KIND AND HONEST. I REALLLLY don’t understand nor relate to nice, polite people, I soo appreciate when people could just say it like it is, even if it hurts or offends in the moment. Sure it might trigger some pain for a while, but I've always gotten over it and moved forward- most people do!

If you’re a close friend of mine and you’ve ever done something ‘stupid’ and told me, you know that you’ll always get an honest answer from me. People often still confide in me though and ask my advice. If you tell me you had a one night stand with a guy that you’re now crazy about, I’ll tell you that your probability of it ever working isn’t great and it probably wasn’t the wisest way to captivate his heart. It will hurt, you might be upset with me but then I’ll always be there for you… I wouldn’t know what else to say as a friend. I couldn’t lie and be happy for you, ‘because that would be the nice thing to do’. But do you know that people actually do that? They don't speak the truth or lie in the name of being 'nice'. I think I’ve realized that no one ever taught me how to be ‘nice’. I love learning new things about myself!

So here is what I’ve realized, there is a huge difference between being NICE and being KIND. When I started to think about this I began some research. I started with definitions and synonyms, which is pretty interesting (you could look those up if you wish). And then I started reading what others have written about it and finally, I questioned what all this means for my faith in God and what He would have to say about it – it’s been an awesome little research project for me.

This is what some people have said about it:

-I thought about this all night and came to this conclusion. Nice is something that can be taught and learned. It is, in its essence, superficial and based on transitiory actions. Kind is far more internal in nature and speaks to a persons ability for empathy and genuine desire to be merciful and helpful. A person can be nice without any genuine desire to help or heal.

-Let me answer first with an explanation of the difference between nice and kind. Nice is about what the other person is thinking and feeling - it’s their perception of the situation. Kind is about what you choose to do and why. When you want to be nice, it’s because you want to please the other person; you want everyone to be happy. When you want to be kind, it’s because you want to do what is right regardless of how other people feel about it. Nice is permissive. Kind is genuine and honest.


For example, if I want to be nice to my children, I will give them what they want, not do what is needed, seek to please them, and hope they like me. If I want to be kind to my children, I will give them blessings, do what they need, seek to teach them and hope they learn. Nice manipulates. Kindness trains.

Another example, if I want to be nice to my husband, I will give him what he wants even when it hurts and not let him know, I will bottle all my negative feelings up inside and not communicate with my heart, I will be overly submissive and nice with hopes that he will change… then when I explode and leave him for someone who makes me feel better about myself I wouldn’t tell him the truth about my life in fear to hurt him again. If I want to be kind to my husband, I will communicate and work with him even when we both fail, be honest and truthful about my heart, always look out for his best interests even when it may initially hurt him. Nice lies. Kindness loves unconditionally.

I recently heard on the John Tesh Radio show (he often has some great advice) a few new psychological tips for raising your children. One of them was to always affirm their character not their accomplishments. Character is sooo important. I think that kindness is character. This is what another woman had to say about it:

A few weeks ago on Focus on the Family, a guy was talking about how we should stop trying to raise “nice” kids & work toward kids who are caring & compassionate… One point the author being interviewed brought out was that so often Christian parents are training their children to be nice - look good, don’t rock the boat, be “nice” & make me look good! He pointed out that the word nice has, if you look in the dictionary, “ignorant, to not know” at it’s root. I didn’t believe him, but he’s right! Nice, at least in my dictionary, doesn’t have a positive trait in it’s definition until the sixth entry! And then it seems to have connotations of appearance - “wanton, coy, finicky tastes, particular, demanding excessive precision, trivial,…” I was shocked.

Today, the kids & I had a devotional on kindness & random acts of kindness. Words do mean something, so I wondered the differences between the two. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit; nice is not. So what are some other differences? I think one thing is that nice is what you do, verses kind is how you are. CHARACTER!

This also leads to another podcast I heard way back in June again on Focus on the Family about “nice guys”. It was talking about the problem women have with their passive men, “nice guys”. They fall in love with them because they are “nice”, but then get all disgusted with the same man when they live with them a few years. Aren’t we training our men to be wimps? Why do the same women who can’t stand their men to be so wimpy bring up their boys to be that way? Rush calls it the “chickification of our society” & points out many other problems this is causing with our boys. Kindness, on the other hand, is very masculine; think chivalry.

Is the goal for members of our family to be nice or kind? Something to think about. “Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

Still with me? Hope so!

This naturally leads into what I believe God has to say about this whole Nice vs. Kind thing. For one, being ‘nice’ isn’t really talked about in the bible, nor is it a, what Paul calls, ‘fruit of the spirit’ (Paul writes to the church in Galatia about what naturally happens when we’re following the spirit of God, not the law, as the Jews were a custom to:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)
Notice that these ‘fruit’ are all traits of our character and things that develop and grow in us. I love how Eugene Peterson words it in the Message (Galatians 5:19-23):

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.



Someone else wrote:
Another word for kind according to the dictionary is “loving”. (Remember that God is love - 1 John 4:7,8. Love is the essence of Who He is - we only know what love is by looking at His character.) Nice seems to be more of an outward appearance, often times with a “fake” air about it. Kindness is an inner quality that often times gets no notice.

As I’ve said, nice doesn’t come naturally for me, I think honesty and defence does which has not always been a good thing. Almost 10 years ago I began this journey of follow God which has totally transformed my life. Following God has certainly softened my heart and changed my character from the inside out. Although I still don’t have it all figured out and I still mess up and am not always kind, wise and gentle in my honesty and raw emotion I definitely see a change in my life and am so thankful for this season of refection on what it means to be kind to others. It has also helped me understand people better, I never realized that some people were just raised to be really nice, I guess it’s not their fault they annoy me so much – haha! Just kidding. But seriously, understanding that many people, especially in the church (unfortunately), were conditioned to be nice has certainly given me a deeper understanding of people, myself and how I can better relate in my relationships.